Musing about life, faith and family.
The fierce warrior spirit of last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday fell apart over the weekend and the seeds of doubt started to sprout.
But I’ve been weeding the garden of my faith tonight, forcefully ripping out anything that doesn’t remind me of the God of the Angel Armies whom I choose to serve with my whole heart.
This was the sound track playing in my head as I wrote this post:
But I’ve been weeding in the garden of my faith plucking
Psalm 49:16-17 Do not be overawed when a man grows rich, when the splendor of his house increases; for he will take nothing with him when he dies, his splendor will not descend with him.
When I read this verse and chose it to journal on today, my original intent was to discuss how Americans are overawed with celebrity. There are so many magazines and tv shows devoted to exalting movie stars, sports stars and music stars that I can’t even begin to count them. There’s the whole reality show industry devoted to finding the next star. And there was a story on the Today show this morning about teens videotaping themselves doing outrageous things in hopes of gaining the attention of someone who will put them on TV.
That was the original intent.
Instead, God pointed out that I have a problem with splendor and it needs to be dealt with. You see, I love jewelry. I mean, I really love it. And not just any jewelry, but glitzy jewelry designed to attract attention. And I have lots of it, and I want more, and more, and more. At what point is enough really enough for me? None of my sparkle-filled jewelry from earth will follow me into heaven.
In fact, I have so much jewelry that I had to buy a floor chest to house it all. None of it is real, but that doesn’t really matter does it?. I have it because I, well, if I’m going to be honest, I like to show it off and myself. A lot of this jewelry, I earned for free from a company I used to sell it for. So, telling people I earned it for free because I had high sales, makes me look like a hotshot salesperson – at least in my head it does. Again, so what? The jewelry itself isn’t the problem, but my attitude towards it is.
Why do I need earthly splendor? What does it really show? I think it shows my predilection for this world and its riches instead of those not of this world. When I wear it, do people see me pointing to Christ or to myself?
Today, I’m rethinking splendor.
My drive for perfection makes it hard for me to accept anything less. I consistently push myself for improvement in nearly every arena. However, I am working at trying to change that.
Probably ten years ago, I discovered flylady.net, a great website that really shed some light on how I perceived myself. It was interesting to read her daily emails that claimed messy, cluttery homes were generally inhabited by perfectionists who had given up trying. If they couldn’t keep their entire home perfectly clean at all times, then what was the point? These perfectionists, she claimed, considered themselves utter failures for their lack of perfection. To combat that perception, flylady sent daily emails encouraging you to set a timer and declutter your home for just five minutes at a time. It was a great idea and I implemented it for a while, but unfortunately quit some time ago.
The point is, I have been struggling with my own desire to be “the best”, “the expert”, or perfect for years now.
Today, I am giving myself permission to not be perfect. I did not run every time my Couch to 5K app told me to, but I did for most of them. That was certainly a huge improvement over yesterday.
Today, I am going to celebrate small victories.
Today, I am going to love me.